A Love Letter to Sam

Don't hesitate my love, drop everything and come.

Photo by Andre Adjahoe on Unsplash

Dear sweet Sam, how I wish you came with me. With us. I was terrified when we left that damn state. All the heat and hate and everyone knowing what was best for everybody. It’s fake. It’s all fake. As soon as we got past the border it felt like a weight dropped off my shoulders.

Can you believe it tho?In this day and age, there’s border guards checking on people leaving town.I had to give them my driver’s license and they wanted my social information.

I had to laugh but I never let them see. I’m just happy we set up that fake ass profile. But if that’s what they want, well fuck ’em. They can look at fake pictures of my fake cat all day for all I care.

It took them almost an hour to do their searches. I just sat there with the aircon at full blast, holding in a pee and trying to smile. The female cop was the worst of them. She had hard eyes set in a round red face and she came right up to me and questioned me seventeen different ways why I as going out of State.

Since when does an American, me, have to tell anyone where I’m going? Is this still America?

She opened up my suitcase, pawed through my stuff with same blue rubber gloves she had on when they pulled me over. She asked me about my clothes, my flip flops. Everything. She even pulled out my underwear and held it up and asked me if I was gaining weight. I mean, wtf right?

But I minded my manners just like we practiced. I told her very nicely that I was going to see my cousin, and that I was invited to his birthday party tomorrow. Good thing we set that up on my profile too.

She just stood there, playing with a silver cross on a long chain around her neck, one hand on her gun, and just watching me. I heard they could force us to do pregnancy tests on the side of the road. Maybe she was wondering if she should make the effort.

If I only asked her to use the bathroom, she’d probably make me do the test anyways, so I sat there and smiled and tried to play it off. But my legs were trembling like crazy.

The sky was hard and blue and the sun was so hot, I could feel heat radiating off the highway in waves. I watched her thinking it through. She’d have to park me at the side of the road, walk me to a port-a-potty. You know how bad those smell? Now imagine how much worse it’d be out in the sun all day.

Then she’d have to do the test. Would she watch me pee? Would she even change her gloves?

I smiled to myself, I’d give them a Gattaca. I’d fake them out. They’d never know I was pregnant. If they found out they’d prevent me from leaving. Maybe I’d even catch some jail time too. It shouldn’t be anybody’s business if I’m pregnant or not. But now it’s a big deal. I guess they really need more worker bees.

Thing is I want our child. I love our baby, even more with every day that passes. It’s like some kind of magic, I know it’s a girl and I imagine I can feel her little heart beat inside of me. It feels like a butterfly’s wings fluttering.

I want her to have the best life, a free life. A life where she can be anything she wants to be. Where she will be valued and respected and cherished. Not imprisoned by her sex or punished for it.

I won’t allow our daughter to grow up like that my love. Not in those dark places where birds fall out of the sky from the heat and where people just wait to die, drunk off their ass or high as kites. No one want’s to live in these places anymore.

Not where there’s people full of hate pretending to be God’s chosen, forcing everyone to be just like them. We won’t. I won’t. Sam, I’m free now. Free at last. Free at last. Free at last. You can’t know how those words ring in my ears so many years after King spoke them. It’s come back to this. Will we ever learn?

It used be just black folks, now it’s just women. Right back into segregation without even a hiccup and it’s for the same reasons. Because God said it was the right thing. Because plantations needed workers. They’ve started taking prisoners all over again.

Only this time, You don’t see the bars, not till you try to stand up for yourself. Or make decisions for yourself. Or live how you choose and love who you want.

Even you Sam, you think you’re free but you’re not. You can’t love who you want, can’t refuse to do what they want, can’t go where you want, not if you have a family. And try saying anything about their god. They’ll crucify you.

Eventually they’ll come for you Sam, they come for everybody. It’s a pattern.

But you can let go of all of that Sam. You can build a family here, with us. You already have people that love you.

Is it worth it to remain behind? To have nothing to live for? Nothing to protect? Nothing to defend? What’s the point of life if there’s nothing worth living for?

I’m sorry for running Sam. Our child would suffer in this evil place. I couldn’t stay a moment longer. But I’m waiting for you Sam. We’re waiting for you. We’re just over the border.

Just start the damn truck and head North. Leave everything behind. Nothing there is worth saving. Save yourself. Just come.
I promise you, we’ll be right here waiting for you.
Text me as soon as you can.

Love,
Emmy.